“Fuck!… Fuuuck!” The scream tore from my throat, almost painfully, as I berated the night. I jerked the steering wheel clutched in my white knuckled grip, shaking myself back and forth as I took out my anger on the wheel. My seething rage boiled under my skin as my body lurched in my seat, the heat of it flushing up my chest, turning my cheeks crimson.

“How could you do this to me?!” I lurched in my seat. The seat belt dug across my lap, cutting deep into my shoulder and chest as my back slammed repeatedly against the custom Duro Cazzo leather. My breath was frantic, coming in heaving gasps as waves of grief, frustration, and rage flushed through my system. Over and over, the tidal wave of emotion swept across me, crippling my mind with pain.

“Rrraaghh!” I screamed, the sound nearly alien to my own ears as I slammed my fist down on the dash. It struck once, twice, more, a flurry of blows unleashing all the pent up anger I’d been suppressing since I’d left the house. Something behind the dash cracked loudly, making me hesitate, fist arresting a hair’s breadth from the abused burl. I drew my hand back, hesitation giving way to defeat as the physical toll of my emotions finally sapped me of my not inconsiderable strength. My arms felt heavy as I greedily swallowed down air in shuddering gasps. Tears stung the corners of my eyes and I blinked furiously, wiping them away with the back of my hand. I wasn’t ready for that yet, I was still angry! I wanted to stay angry!

“How could you do this to me?!” I wailed again, my rage driving me onward down the Cabrillo Highway. It twisted along the California coast and I took its turns at less than safe speeds. The glowing blue line of my tachometer kissed the redline with every shift. I lost count of how many times I’d crossed the double yellow on a sharp corner, not that I was bothering to keep track in the first place. Thankfully for me, there were no other cars to encounter this late at night. The Mercedes I’d inherited from my parents drove along, unmolested.

Ghostly white-blue light blazed on the display reading 3:14 AM. Big Sur was five minutes in my rear-view and I could see Rocky Point in the distance, brightly lit in the full light of the moon. It hung lazily in the sky, nearly full and casting an otherworldly glow on the land and sea. It was a calm night tonight; the low wave crests glistened as they rolled gently towards shore. Only a few more minutes now… Bixby bridge was only a few more minutes away and I drove them in silence, teeth grit, rage bubbling on a low burn. My car arrived in the gravel parking lot before I knew it, skidding to a halt as I slammed down on the brake pedal harder than I needed to, and cut the engine.

“Damnit!… Damn you!” I yelled, a fresh surge of anger rising to the surface. “Damn you…” I unbuckled my seat belt and flung open the door, narrowly catching it as it bounced off the hinges and swung back at my face. I took a step into the cool night air, tasting the salt on the wind as it gusted. My overcoat flutter in the breeze, blowing open in the humid air. It washed over my exposed skin, sending an electric shock down my spine and out my limbs that made me shiver. My nipples tightened as goose pimples rose across my flesh. I hastened to pull the front of my coat closed and kept walking. It wasn’t that it was cold, the summer weather was actually warmer than usual, but my car had been blasting full throttle heat through the vents for the last thirty minutes. The thermal shock was real.

I didn’t bother setting the alarm as I made my way across the hard packed gravel to the bridge. It was a quiet highway this late at night and besides, in my current state I didn’t even give a shit. I silently cursed the pebbles grinding into my heel through the thin soles of my flats. Hard little rock bastards… I kicked angrily, scuffing the dirt. Dust flew into the air and scattered quickly on the wind. If only I’d stopped to put on a better pair of shoes, to get changed even. But she’d left so quickly I…

It was a sudden thing, the hush that fell over me as I relived the moment of her leaving. Sadness and pain suddenly crashed down around me. It threatened to drown my soul. For a moment I contemplated letting it take me, letting myself drop to my knees, right here and collapse into a puddle… My lips quivered, moisture threatened to spill from my eyes, tightly squeezed shut as though I could stop myself from seeing the memories once again. She meant everything to me… Now she was gone; I was utterly crushed…

Even as the muted whispers of my depression told me to crumble, a spark inside me flared back to life. I turned my face to the sky, taking in the majesty of the moon, and took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of the night. The wind was gentle, the ocean lapping softly against shore. All at once, I felt my emotions shift back towards rage. It was righteous, and in it, I found a calm. I’d given her everything! I’d given her everything… It was her choice to leave, not mine. I’d be damned if I was going to let her turn me into a ruined, emotional wreck!

For the first time that night, quiet reigned in my head. I was still mindful of all the memories I had gathered of her tonight. They flashed through my mind like razors and my gut twisted anew, the images still so fresh, so raw. I grimaced in pain and frustration, but grief no longer took my heart in its cold, desolate grasp. Anger flared inside as I blinked away the tears that blurred my vision. My mascara was surely streaked by now, but I squeezed my eyes tight and willed them away with the sheer power of my fury.

I pushed away the pain and, letting out a feral snarl, forced myself to walk on, my overcoat billowing open again as my arms swung confidently at my sides, fists balled. The coat fell away, but I didn’t care. I let the cool night air caress my naked flesh. I was still wearing the outfit I’d put on especially for tonight, especially for her. It was nothing more than fishnets and green leather straps with golden buckles. I’d had a dress over the top, but that had come off sometime between dinner and my storming out the door. Now here I was, in the middle of the night, standing in the middle of Bixby bridge, on display for all to see. I didn’t care, though; it wasn’t like there was anyone here to look, least of all her, and she was the only one that really mattered. Used to matter… I glanced up the road despite myself, but I hadn’t seen a pair of headlights since I’d pulled onto the highway a half hour ago.

Jaw flexing, I walked further out onto the bridge, making for the small overlook on the side, halfway out. Calmer now than I had been in the car, I began to notice the way the ring around my sex pulled and tugged as the straps connected to it stretched this way and that, constricting as I walked. I couldn’t help but feel a rush of excitement pulse through my body at the sensation, at the fact that I was as good as naked on a public bridge. It half hardened at the thought, pulsing with my heart as it swung two and fro, growing heavy as it engorged with blood. Between the thoughts of her and my exhibitionist tendencies, a thrill of sexual energy pulsed through my body. Anyone could see…

© O.L. Vale 2022

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